Thoughts

 [5:53 PM]

I forgot how to pin a message to this chat so I went to the pins tab at the top of the screen and found a pin from 2020. It was interesting.

[5:53 PM]

Interesting to look at my interests 6 years ago.

[5:53 PM]

Interesting to see how much my life has changed since then.

[5:53 PM]

How my life isn't anything like I would've thought it would be.

[5:54 PM]

As I scrolled, I came across pictures,

[5:54 PM]

links,

[5:54 PM]

little notes I made so I don't forget assignments and tasks.

[5:54 PM]

I followed myself through classes, times of the years, different houses and schools.

[5:55 PM]

Everything kept changing.

[5:55 PM]

What I wanted kept changing.

[5:55 PM]

Things that now seem so unimportant, but were a big deal for me then.

[5:56 PM]

I related to these messages more and more as I got closer to the bottom of the chat.

[5:56 PM]

Things like car listings,

[5:56 PM]

graduation,

[5:56 PM]

college,

[5:56 PM]

scholarships.

[5:56 PM]

And yet, my biggest interest at one point,

[5:56 PM]

was a white board.

[5:57 PM]

And an eraser that would magnetically stick to the board.

[5:57 PM]

I wanted that board to hang on the outside of my bedroom door.

[5:58 PM]

I came across links that I don't even remember being interested in or wanting,

[5:58 PM]

but when I opened them and saw the product.

[5:58 PM]

My screen takes me back 6 years to when I was only 12.

[5:59 PM]

To the times when my favorite thing was my sister’s birthday presents,

[5:59 PM]

and how they really needed a photoshoot in bad lighting on a gringy couch.

[6:00 PM]

Or to a list of pictures of one thing arranged in a different style multiple times.

[6:00 PM]

That was for a class assignment that I hated.

[6:00 PM]

And then I come down to the bottom of the list.

[6:01 PM]

To where I'm taken up with apartments,

[6:01 PM]

work placements for school,

[6:01 PM]

resumes and cover letters,

[6:01 PM]

my most recent school assignments. 

[6:01 PM]

And I start to miss 12 year old me,

[6:02 PM]

so happy just taking a picture of my little sister.

[6:02 PM]

I look through my memories to that time.

[6:02 PM]

And then to me.

[6:02 PM]

Sitting on the couch, on my laptop in a dark room,

[6:02 PM]

crisscross with a screen in front of me,

[6:03 PM]

no little kids being loud around the corner or up the stairs,

[6:03 PM]

nothing strewn all over the floors.

[6:03 PM]

Everything is clean,

[6:03 PM]

quiet,

[6:03 PM]

peaceful.

[6:03 PM]

And yet I'm still missing the chaotic life back home.

[6:03 PM]

Even when, when I am there I feel trapped.

[6:04 PM]

Insignificant.

[6:04 PM]

I realize now,

[6:04 PM]

that what I'm missing the most isn't the chaos.

[6:04 PM]

But the happy times and good memories;

[6:04 PM]

the eruptious laughter at the dinner table,

[6:05 PM]

walking down memory lane with my siblings,

[6:05 PM]

being idiots with my brothers,

[6:05 PM]

and having late night conversations and hang outs in my older sister’s room.

[6:05 PM]

I'm not missing the chaos.

[6:05 PM]

I'm missing the happiness and love I had when I was there.

[6:08 PM]

Just a thought…