[5:53 PM]
I forgot how to pin a message to this chat so I went to the pins tab at the top of the screen and found a pin from 2020. It was interesting.
[5:53 PM]
Interesting to look at my interests 6 years ago.
[5:53 PM]
Interesting to see how much my life has changed since then.
[5:53 PM]
How my life isn't anything like I would've thought it would be.
[5:54 PM]
As I scrolled, I came across pictures,
[5:54 PM]
links,
[5:54 PM]
little notes I made so I don't forget assignments and tasks.
[5:54 PM]
I followed myself through classes, times of the years, different houses and schools.
[5:55 PM]
Everything kept changing.
[5:55 PM]
What I wanted kept changing.
[5:55 PM]
Things that now seem so unimportant, but were a big deal for me then.
[5:56 PM]
I related to these messages more and more as I got closer to the bottom of the chat.
[5:56 PM]
Things like car listings,
[5:56 PM]
graduation,
[5:56 PM]
college,
[5:56 PM]
scholarships.
[5:56 PM]
And yet, my biggest interest at one point,
[5:56 PM]
was a white board.
[5:57 PM]
And an eraser that would magnetically stick to the board.
[5:57 PM]
I wanted that board to hang on the outside of my bedroom door.
[5:58 PM]
I came across links that I don't even remember being interested in or wanting,
[5:58 PM]
but when I opened them and saw the product.
[5:58 PM]
My screen takes me back 6 years to when I was only 12.
[5:59 PM]
To the times when my favorite thing was my sister’s birthday presents,
[5:59 PM]
and how they really needed a photoshoot in bad lighting on a gringy couch.
[6:00 PM]
Or to a list of pictures of one thing arranged in a different style multiple times.
[6:00 PM]
That was for a class assignment that I hated.
[6:00 PM]
And then I come down to the bottom of the list.
[6:01 PM]
To where I'm taken up with apartments,
[6:01 PM]
work placements for school,
[6:01 PM]
resumes and cover letters,
[6:01 PM]
my most recent school assignments.
[6:01 PM]
And I start to miss 12 year old me,
[6:02 PM]
so happy just taking a picture of my little sister.
[6:02 PM]
I look through my memories to that time.
[6:02 PM]
And then to me.
[6:02 PM]
Sitting on the couch, on my laptop in a dark room,
[6:02 PM]
crisscross with a screen in front of me,
[6:03 PM]
no little kids being loud around the corner or up the stairs,
[6:03 PM]
nothing strewn all over the floors.
[6:03 PM]
Everything is clean,
[6:03 PM]
quiet,
[6:03 PM]
peaceful.
[6:03 PM]
And yet I'm still missing the chaotic life back home.
[6:03 PM]
Even when, when I am there I feel trapped.
[6:04 PM]
Insignificant.
[6:04 PM]
I realize now,
[6:04 PM]
that what I'm missing the most isn't the chaos.
[6:04 PM]
But the happy times and good memories;
[6:04 PM]
the eruptious laughter at the dinner table,
[6:05 PM]
walking down memory lane with my siblings,
[6:05 PM]
being idiots with my brothers,
[6:05 PM]
and having late night conversations and hang outs in my older sister’s room.
[6:05 PM]
I'm not missing the chaos.
[6:05 PM]
I'm missing the happiness and love I had when I was there.
[6:08 PM]
Just a thought…
